An Inclusive Litany

11/3/97

Sri Lanka's Sunday Observer, June 1, 1997:
"This may look mysterious, as if some invisible power is at work," declared Balaram Sharan as he removed his fungi and stood naked before a group of startled reporters at the Mumbai Press Club. "But once you get the hang of it, it is really simple. And remember, if you want to be in the pink of health, you must keep the bladder clean because that is where diseases originate."

So saying, Sharan (a yoga instructor from the Oshiwara suburb of New Delhi) dipped his penis into a beakerful of sweet oil and sucked 150ml into his bladder, retaining it for several minutes before discharging it, and (to prove it was still pure oil) using it to light five clay lamps. "I mastered these methods by living amongst the sadhus in the jungles of Uttar Pradesh for twelve years. If everyone starts practicing them, the world will become free of disease. Sadhus know the importance of keeping their bowels clean through yogic methods," he continued, inserting one end of a rubber tube into a large bucket of water and the other into his rectum, "and I shall now suck up three liters of water through my anus, and then spew it out from my mouth, back into the bucket. Kindly stand well back."

Later, to demonstrate how to clean the nasal cavities, he drank two bottles of water, then inserted a twin tube into his mouth and pulled out its two ends through his nostrils. "See how the water flows out like a babbling brook. Now I will remove the remaining cough and other impurities in my body by swallowing this piece of clean white gauze." He did so and, after several minutes of audible stomach churning, the cloth was regurgitated along with the filth. "Now I'll let out whatever air is left in my stomach," he said, raising his posterior and emitting a series of sharp reports. "And if you think this is unusual, you should see the sadhu I learned my skills from. He can blow up a balloon with his penis until it is the size of a melon, and spark off fire with his urine. But he lives in the Himalayas and he won't do television."