An Inclusive Litany


The following notice was posted in a Colorado church:
12:00 NOON—Cocaine Anonymous, Main Floor
5:30 P.M.—Survivors of Incest, Main Floor
6:00 P.M.—Al-Anon, 2nd Floor
6:00 P.M.—Alcoholics Anonymous, Basement

5:30 P.M.—Debtors Anonymous, Basement
6:30 P.M.—Codependents of Sex Addicts Anonymous, 2nd Floor
7:00 P.M.—Adult Children of Alcoholics, 2nd Floor
8:00 P.M.—Alcoholics Anonymous, Basement
8:00 P.M.—Al-Anon, 2nd Floor
8:00 P.M.—Alateen, Basement
8:00 P.M.—Cocaine Anonymous

8:00 P.M.—Survivors of Incest Anonymous, Basement

5:30 P.M.—Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous, Basement
7:30 P.M.—Adult Children of Alcoholics, 2nd Floor
8:00 P.M.—Cocaine Anonymous, Main Floor

7:00 P.M.—Codependents of Sex Addicts Anonymous, 2nd Floor
7:00 P.M.—Women's Cocaine Anonymous, 2nd Floor

5:30 P.M.—Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous, Basement
5:45 P.M.—Adult Overeaters Anonymous, Main Floor
7:30 P.M.—Codependents Anonymous
7:30 P.M.—Adult Children of Alcoholics, 2nd Floor
8:00 P.M.—Cocaine Anonymous, Main Floor

10:00 A.M.—Adult Children of Alcoholics, Main Floor
12:00 NOON—Self-Abusers Anonymous, 2nd Floor


After years of research, the Drug Enforcement Agency claims to have come up with a scientifically valid profile of the typical drug carrier. The DEA is loath to reveal the traits that will lead them to search someone, but Mother Jones scoured court documents and found that the following forms of behavior have triggered actual searches: carrying new suitcases, carrying old suitcases, appearing nervous, appearing calm, buying a round-trip ticket, buying a one-way ticket, traveling alone, traveling with a companion, deplaning from the front of the airplane, deplaning from the middle of the plane, and deplaning from the rear of the plane. Try not to be so obvious!

In 1984, the New York Department of Housing Preservation and Development announced that it would fill the windows of thousands of vacant, city-owned apartments with pictures of flower pots and curtains in order to make it appear that people were living in them. As Anthony Gliedman, former Commissioner of the Department, commented, "appearance is reality."

The National Coalition on Television Violence asked George Bush to remove Arnold Schwartzenegger as chairman of the President's Council on Physical Fitness. The group charges that Schwartzenegger is an inappropriate role model because his films promote violence. Arnold responded, "They're just a bunch of girly men who are jealous of my pumpitude."

In San Francisco, Latino firemen have demanded that the Civil Service Commission declare Frank Cercos—who finished third on a test for battalion chief—ineligible for affirmative action benefits. Cercos is of Spanish descent but is not Mexican-American. The firefighters want the definition of Hispanic changed to include only those of Mexican or other Latin American ancestry.

Mike Webel owns a business in Chicago that employs 26 people. Twenty-one of his employees are Latino; five are black. So he didn't worry when the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission asked to see his records. He should have. The EEOC told him that based on their formulas, he should be employing 8.45 blacks. The agency has ordered him to "spend $10,000 on newspaper ads to find black people who didn't work for me so I can pay them $123,000 for not working for me."

Following a lawsuit by Jeremy Rifkin's Foundation on Economic Trends, the EPA has allocated funds to measure how much methane gas flatulent cows pump into the atmosphere. The foundation contends that methane emitted by livestock contributes to global warming. In other words, federal officials literally go out in the field and measure how much a cow is farting.