Taking a cue from the legal assault on tobacco, Eric Julber, a lawyer from Carmel, California, is preparing a class-action lawsuit on behalf of all coffee drinkers in North America. Julber cites the fourth edition of the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders to back up his contention that coffee suppliers are no better than street-corner pushers. Symptoms of caffeine ingestion include:

• restlessness
• nervousness
• excitement
• insomnia
• flushed face
• diuresis (frequent urination)
• gastrointestinal disturbance
• muscle twitching
• rambling flow of thought and speech
• Tachycardia or cardiac arrhythmia
• periods of inexhaustibility
• psychomotor agitation

What's more, according to the manual, "Caffeine-Induced Disorders may be characterized by symptoms (e.g., Panic Attacks) that resemble primary mental disorders (e.g., Panic Disorder versus Caffeine-Induced Anxiety Disorder, With Panic Attacks, With Onset During Intoxication)."

The manual also describes "Caffeine Withdrawal" thus: "A characteristic withdrawal syndrome.... Drowsiness, fatigue and mood changes from coffee withdrawal can mimic Amphetamine or Cocaine Withdrawal." Symptoms include "headache," "marked anxiety or depression," "nausea or vomiting" and "worsened cognitive performance (especially on vigilance tasks)." Symptoms "can begin within 12 hours of cessation of caffeine use, peak around 24-40 hours and last up to 1 week."

[Ed.: Mr. Julber is a rather determined wag who understands the silliness his lawsuit represents.]

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