An Inclusive Litany

7/6/98

From a March 10 letter by The Amazing Kreskin, the "world's foremost mentalist," to Attorney General Janet Reno:
Dear Attorney General Reno:

I have followed Kenneth Starr's inquiry very closely, and I believe that it has gotten far out of control. Therefore, I would like to formally offer my services as a mentalist. My fifty years of experience as a mentalist have allowed me to develop my abilities to perceive not only the feelings of those around me but their thoughts as well. More important, I have an innate ability to determine whether someone is telling the truth. I propose to save the government millions of dollars by meeting with those involved with the Whitewater investigation and telling you who is telling the truth and who is lying, including Prosecutor Starr himself.

Of course, I understand that the thoughts of the President are a matter of national security, and I assure you that any thoughts detected that go beyond the matter at hand will be kept secret.

As an entertainer I am the highest-paid mentalist in the world, but as an American my services could be retained for $1. If you simply contact my office, I will report to Washington for service and we can end this debacle before we spend another $30 million.

ESPecially yours,
The Amazing Kreskin

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